Copyright 2010 Roberta Osborn. All rights reserved.
Real Dreams
890724 commentary
Certain common themes: Frustration in doing something. Something is important, think you've done it,
but you haven't. Suddenly finding you haven't paid any attention to class at all.
I hate these dreams where I've been neglecting school work – my contributions have been worthless
because I have no motivation to pay attention to the lesson.
What are we talking about here? A whole area of lessons that I've been only nominally interested in. I
am ashamed, but realize its just too much to do. The large black dogs are subconscious tendencies to
ravage – chew myself up- tear myself apart – I have to be very careful to avoid activating the "dog"
while reacquainting myself with the little dogs that I know and work with every day. The ones that
keep me aware of need to keep working on self, but friendly.
I have let this part-time effort go and do this without activating depression.
Raw tomato – something slippery, unorganizeable and perishable – soon to be mush.
Cyrillic – unintelligible to most people. The language of the "enemy". Microfilm is the format of
spies. (My "intelligence" is out of order, won't be understood, perishable).
Maybe its always math because that somewhat useless and esoteric course is what I associate with
higher-theoretical education. I can’t imagine myself not being interested in the theory pertaining to
existence – the philosophy – and I actually love the forms of math – what is it I am neglecting to learn
from? Where am I frittering away my attention. Where does the time go?
A note to myself that I never fully got the education because I isolate – did not participate – in the
interactions with all the other students – did not adjust to the environment.
It seems like this is where I fail to become motivated and to achieve – I don’t mix socially as much.
It is so hard and unnatural for me to sit in noisy rooms – I avoid the company of the masses because I
can't relax or hear myself think.
And yet – standing on my own two legs isn't feeling good either – I feel cold and need insulation, and
very much need to guard against depression. In that setting, I am not able to move myself well, with
strength. It is because I feel this way that I wish to get out of the coursework.
I don’t get into the lessons because I hold myself apart form others learning lessons. I lose my
motivation because I am always going it alone.
I need to be "mountain". I need to trust myself.
I think I stopped recording my dreams for a while because they didn’t seem encouraging or
symbolically interesting – but my soul must know what it is doing.
890731 dream
At meeting with D____ and others – like school. D____ sitting across from me. At one point I relate
(sort of out of the blue) how I try to avoid taking offense in the world) – avoid saying and doing things
to hurt their feelings. But then, while he's talking – I get some impression that he is not acknowledging
or is down playing what I've said -- and I immediately get up and walk out, down the street, before I
stop (others are leaving this shopping mall-type place), turn around and go back. Class is breaking up.
As I go in, D____ is taking it upon herself to move my books – I say – I'm here D___. I'll get them.
D____ looks at me and says something like "How could you walk out on me?" I am trying to justify
myself as an "illustration" of what I was saying.
With R____ in tall (three-story) McDonalds building on a hill in front of a river. We decide to play
tennis. Somehow our ball (not tennis ball) gets rolling down the hill, into a rivulet. I start chasing
after it until I get to a point where the ball is going downstream as on fast possibly very deep river.
R____ yells at me not to go and I turn around – tell her I'm coming and climb back up the hill. River
too dangerous.
Crossing a bridge – on left side, under trees, at beginning of bridge, we can feel the "field" indicating
we are entering another dimension. The three of us step back and forth into this gateway and note how
it feels, then we move on.
I have gotten neighbor's mail, one piece, important. A woman is painting the end of their house and I
call her attention to the fact that I have her mail – tell her to come get it.
Something about T____. Expecting him. Doing something together.
